?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Earlier Spew | More Recent Spew

So, this arrived in the mail:
From: Fluffy, Patches, and Mauser, cAttorneys at cLaw
To: Thumbs Monkey Guy with the Cans and the Bowls
Re: Your recent flagrant, malicious, unfair breach of contract

Let it be hereby known that our clients Lucinda B. Branch, DSH (hereinafter referred to as "Lucy") and Matthew Branch, DSH (hereinafter referred to as "Matt") are pursuing felegal action against Thumbs Monkey Guy with the Cans and the Bowls (hereinafter referred to as "Criminal").

Criminal is accused of willingly and with malice aforethought breaching his verbal contract with Lucy and Matt. Nine separate criminal charges are as follows.

On or about Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011 at 5:37 PM, Criminal did provide Lucy and Matt with one can each of Delicious Sustenance (hereinafter referred to as "Meat"), at which point Criminal departed the residence he shares with Lucy and Matt. Our clients allege that the extra Meat constitutes a blatant bribe.

On or about Wednesday, November 23rd, 2011 at 11:45 PM, Criminal had not returned and therefore did not provide Lucy and Matt with Meat as herebeforeagreed in verbal contract initiated July 4, 2009.

On seven further occasions over the period between Thursday, November 24th, 2011 at 7:30 AM and Sunday, November 27th at 5:30 PM, Criminal did not provide Lucy and Matt with Meat as herebeforeagreed in aforementioned verbal contract.

Therefore, pursuant to Criminal cLaw in the Feline State of Georgia, Fluffy, Patches, and Mauser, cAttorneys at cLaw do hereby notify Criminal that unless he wants to be tried in full Feline Court (wherein all accused are Guilty until proven Guilty), he must provide Lucy and Matt (mostly Lucy) with the missing Meat in the form of four (4) cans of Meat (hereinafter referred to as "Meat Deficit"), to be paid at the discretion of Lucy and Matt (mostly Lucy).

Your prompt attention to this felegal matter is appreciated. Failure to meet these requirements may result in mandatory, court-sanctioned Feline Attitude Adjustment Therapy (hereinafter referred to as "Retaliation"). In addition, nightly applications of the Yellow-Handled Brush of Much Cat Scratching (hereinafter referred to as "Bliss") will further positively affect Lucy's and Matt's (mostly Matt's) cattitudes.

Medium-rare sirloin (hereinafter referred to as "Ambrosia") would erase all outstanding Meat Deficit.

Sincerely,

[pawprint]

Fluffy, esq.

P. S. Our firm also represents one Zena Walker, Siamese (hereinafter referred to as "Princess Zena") who alleges similar charges against Criminal's housemate, with the same stipulations and requirements hereinbefore stated.
"Meat Deficit," indeed. I see the cAttorneys at cLaw neglected to mention that Lucy and Matt had dry food available, and plenty of water. Just like a cat to focus on the negative.

Well, I guess I'll get right on that. They've already had one extra can. I guess I'd better provide the other three and the Bliss forthwith or face the catsequences.

Tags:



Atheists Are People, Too  Antispam  

Comments

( 4 hisses — Hiss at me! )
(Deleted comment)
kaasirpent
Nov. 29th, 2011 04:49 pm (UTC)
Oh, the problems faced by first-world felines.
oxlahun
Nov. 29th, 2011 12:01 pm (UTC)
I am intrigued by the cAttorneys' use of "herebeforeagreed", which I certainly understood (being bound by a similar contract myself) but have never seen written as a single word like that. Given the preponderance of ailuralia on the web, felegalese is surprisingly poorly documented.
kaasirpent
Nov. 29th, 2011 04:48 pm (UTC)
We should start a Wiki page.
( 4 hisses — Hiss at me! )

Latest Month

April 2017
S M T W T F S
      1
2345678
9101112131415
16171819202122
23242526272829
30      
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Paulina Bozek