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Lucy and Me

Lucy and I . . . we have a thing.

Let's face it. As much as I love cats, even I admit that they really only ever want four things.
  1. Pet me.

  2. Feed me/give me water.

  3. Let me in/out of there/here.

  4. Bug off, I'm sleeping.
I'm assuming here that the cat in question is neutered. If not, add a fifth item.1

Every morning when I get up, Lucy hears and comes hopping into the bathroom and starts talking to me. First on the agenda: Pet me.

I may be on the toilet (TMI, I know, but hey, we all do it, or so Taro Gomi tells us.), but all that means to Lucy is "Hey, you're not otherwise engaged, so pet me. If I don't, she punctuates her chatter with a well-placed application of unsheathed claws to bare flesh. (In a very amusing turn of events this morning, she yawned as she did this and missed my leg by about six inches. It was cute.)

After that is done, she needs a drink of water, so I have to empty her water bowl (if it's not just come from the faucet, it is stale and completely unpotable) and get her fresh water. Then I go to the sink to get the ointment out of my eyes. While I wait for the water to get warm, Lucy needs to get into the counter under the sink. (Keep in mind she's still warbly-chattering at me this whole time.) Apparently, she has urgent business in there that we mere hominins are not capable of fathoming with our inferior, primate brain structure.

After she has inspected under that sink, I have to let her under the other sink because . . . who knows why. I merely know that she needs to look. It's a feline thing, apparently.

By now, I have my eyes degooped and Lucy is ready for breakfast, but I, being the thumb-possessing member of the household, haven't had my shower, yet. So I do that. Occasionally, Lucy decides that she simply must inspect the still-wet, still-warm interior of the shower.

I go into my closet to get dressed. I have a narrow dressing mirror propped against the wall at the far end of my closet. Lucy seems to believe deep within her furry soul that this is a door that I simply will not open for her. She laboriously makes her way over three laundry baskets of dirty clothes (she is three-legged, so this involves a lot of interesting acrobatics) to stand in the farthest basket peering intently into the "other room." She never seems to notice the "other cat" or the "other thumb-monkey" in the "other room." She just knows it's a doorway, there's stuff "in there," and she therefore must go through it.

Once I'm dressed—Lucy does not understand the need for tied shoelaces and thinks every morning that when I walk out of the closet with untied shoes that we are finally going to get food—I leave the bathroom and Lucy streaks ahead of me, chattering at me with a little more urgency. It has, after all, been as much as seven hours without gooshy-food.2

Once outside my bedroom door, she demands to be let into Yvonne's room (the door is closed and is therefore an affront to feline kind). I refuse, and pick her up to carry her down the stairs.

Why? Because even though she is perfectly capable of zooming down them faster than I am, she has an annoying tendency to stop unexpectedly on the stairs and . . . one day I'm going to trip and fall headfirst down the stairs. So I carry her.

That, and she's a complete invalid and old and decrepit and needs carrying. Or so she claims.

Anyway, once we're downstairs—she having traded the chattering for contented purrs—I put her down and begin the Ritual of Feline Victualization™.

She and her brother Matt, who has now joined her from his place on my couch, sit side-by-side with their backs to me waiting for me to hurry and get the gooshy-food into the bowls. Sometimes, the wait is too much and one or the other—or both—of them will come over to look up at me in that way that means, "Aren't you done yet?"

Once I have the can distributed evenly between the two bowls, I carry it toward where I feed them, in what I call The Cat Room™. (An enclosed patio with lots of windows.) Matt usually gives me an extremely sotto voce warble and Lucy one, single, plaintive meow of impatience as I cross the distance from the kitchen sink to The Cat Room™. If I wash my hands first, sometimes the wait gets unbearable and Lucy scolds me.

I don't let it happen often.

After that . . . she's done with me. I—or more appropriately, my thumbs—have fulfilled my purpose in her life and am quite thoroughly dismissed. Doorknob, ass, etc. "I said good day!"

It's really a good thing I don't let the cats control my behavior or rule me in any way. I mean, those people who let their pets control them are just sad, don't you think?

[Note: That is not Lucy depicted in my userpic, but her brother, Matt, who is slightly more photogenic.]
  1. Gremlin had a slightly different fifth item. He had a deep, psychological need for his litter to be pristine. He actually had a special meow that meant, "Clean my litter!" Don't believe me? Ask my mother. She's heard it.
  2. They have an automatic feeder with an unending supply of dry food, but Lucy does not like dry food.

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Comments

( 5 hisses — Hiss at me! )
akiko
Oct. 19th, 2011 12:45 am (UTC)
With my five evil hellbeasts, mornings are a bit of a circus. Feeding them (two special diets and three medications) is quite a production.

The weirdest one of mine is the one who insists on bathing my hair before I get in the shower. Seriously. She'll sit there and yell at me until I let her lick my hair. Sometimes she sits up on her hind legs and puts her claws in my scalp to keep me from moving. The only time she ever does this is before I shower.

Cats are weird.
bemused_leftist
Oct. 19th, 2011 08:22 am (UTC)
Good reason not to neuter. They go out and have lives of their own, instead of taking it all out on you. ;-)
kaasirpent
Oct. 19th, 2011 03:23 pm (UTC)
That bridge was crossed a long time ago, when they were both outdoor cats. :)

Lucy & Matt are what I call "estate cats." They used to belong to my grandparents and are about to turn 19, we think (no one actually quite remembers when they were born, but we think it was 1993). For the first 17 years of that, they lived outside and only came in for an occasional bite to eat and to escape cold winter nights. They didn't much like people.

When my grandparents both died in 2008, I told Granddaddy that I would look after his cats. And so I am. :)

They're living out their twilight years in as much comfort and love as I can provide. They have blossomed into wonderful cats who crave attention instead of cowering from people.
scifi_lover
Oct. 22nd, 2011 03:33 pm (UTC)
Cats
We had a cat who would reach her paw under the bedroom door, toe pads up, and grab the door and rattle it loudly until we got up to feed her! Not a pleasant way to wake up, but still funny. You'll get a kick out of this video I found on wimp.com:
http://www.dump.com/2011/10/14/no-one-believed-her-video/
kaasirpent
Oct. 22nd, 2011 04:20 pm (UTC)
Re: Cats
I saw that link the other day. Hilarious. And I can believe no one believed her. I have a friend with a similar tale of a cat leaping up onto a person's shoulders. And no one would believe THAT until it happened to them, either. :)
( 5 hisses — Hiss at me! )

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